Since the annual attention focus is now on dad, let’s consider how this man views the world around him. Sometimes it’s through a strange and unique perspective that is a constant source of amusement to his children, for example:
Things that dad does
• Dad keeps buying expensive tools that he never uses. But when he buys them, he’s very excited and has great plans to use them on dazzling projects that are apparently still to come.
• Dad gets up first in the morning, but is third in the bathroom.
• Dad can never find his socks. And when it turns out that they were there in his drawer all the time, he always claims that they weren’t there a minute ago and that there may be supernatural forces at work in the bedroom.
• Dad sucks in his ever-expanding waistline whenever any family member looks like they’re going to make a joke about it. And he does reducing exercises regularly — three days in a row sometimes.
• Dad is going to clean out the garage one of these Saturdays.
• Dad has a favourite team, but will take the other team and 12 points, if pressed.
• Dad’s golf game is always “under construction.” According to him, he’s this close to curing his slice and his hook, his putting problems and ...
• Dad’s tennis game closely follows the pattern of his golf game.
• Dad loves to re-tell the story about that huge fish he caught years ago, and says he should have had mounted. But, alas, fishing history has not yet repeated itself and I guess we’ll just have to wait patiently for a new amazing angling episode.
• Dad complains constantly about taxes, inflation and politics. And he keeps asking the same question, “Do they think we're made of money?”
For convenience, he frequently applies the same question to his children.
• Dad occasionally gets the inspiration to buy a farm. His enthusiasm seems to wane considerably on the occasions when he actually chats with a farmer and finds out how much work is involved.
• Dad keeps insisting that he's going to take an auto mechanic’s course and fix the family car himself so he won’t have to pay for expensive repairs anymore. (See, “Do they think we’re made of money?”)
• Dad thinks that cooking means microwaving frozen dinners.
Things that dad says
• “I could now afford all the things I never had as a kid, if I didn’t have kids.”
• “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
• “You better clean up your room or there’s going to be trouble.”
• “Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.”
• “I think it’s a clever idea to have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.”
• “Who took my wrench and didn’t return it?”
• “Parenthood remains the greatest single preserve of the amateur.”
• “As I see it, my job as a parent is to eventually be out of a job.”
• “Do they think we’re made of money?”
• Dad doesn’t usually just say something — he declares it.
“I want that put away, right now.”
“That is not acceptable behaviour.”
“If I have to remind you one more time.”
“This better not continue.”
“This is the last time I’m going to warn you.”
“Can’t anyone turn the lights off in this house?”
And, of course, the ever-popular: “You know, your mother and I are not going to be around through your whole life to do this for you.”
• “I don’t get it. Kids today answer you back before you’ve said anything.”
• “Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they’re going to catch you at next.”
• “You can’t win. By the time the youngest children have finally learned to keep the house tidy, the oldest grandchildren are tearing it to pieces.”