Wonderful world of whimsy

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour going on. He sent one of his angels to Earth to look into it.
When the angel returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth — 95 per cent are misbehaving and only five per cent are not.” 
God was not pleased, so he decided to e-mail the five per cent who were good, because he wanted to give them a little encouragement to help keep them going.
Do you know what the e-mail said? 
Okay, I was just wondering because I didn’t get one either.
Lexiphiles, take note:
Lexiphiles are lovers of words, and often pun-lovers, too. They say things like:
• You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish. 
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
• A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, “U-C-L-A.”
• The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
• The batteries were given out free of charge.
• A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
From Local Area Network in Australia (the LAN down under):
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.
• Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
• If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
• A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
• In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
• Acupuncture: a jab well done.
The magic of grandmas
I was out walking with my grandson. He picked something up off  the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that.
“Why,” my Grandson asked. 
“Because it’s been on the ground. You don’t know where it’s been. It’s dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied.
At this point, my grandson looked at me with total admiration and said: “Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.” 
I was thinking quickly and said to him: “Well, all grandmas know stuff. It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a grandma.” 
We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but he was evidently pondering this new information. 
“Oh, I get it,” he said. “If you don’t pass the test you have to be the grandpa.” 
“Exactly,” I replied, with a big smile on my face.