Children’s letters to Santa:
• “Dear Santa: I hope you get a new dress for my Mother. It can be any colour — as long as it’s blue! Love, Holly.”
• “Dear Santa Claus: I hope we have lots of snow for Christmas so I can use my new snow-racer, which I know I’m getting because I asked my Mom about 50 times! Love, William.”
• “Dear Santa: I say my prayers every night; I always help my Mother; and I didn’t hit my little brother today! Signed, Eddie.”
Assembly instructions on a Christmas toy: “Step one: take a good stiff drink!”
Harry and Charlie are exchanging Christmas stories. Charlie says: “You know, the kids have been pestering me again about how Santa can get into our house when we don’t even have a fireplace. I just tell them that he comes in through a hole in Dad’s pocket!”
And Harry counters with: “Yeah, you can’t win with kids. This year, mine want a huge tree, but I can’t afford that. I can remember when the biggest problem with buying a tree was will it fit in the living room? Now, the question is will it fit in your budget? But, some people seem to have lots of money. I know a guy who’s so rich he has a Gucci Christmas tree.”
Two fathers of teenagers are chatting and one says: “This year I told my kids that I want them to hang up three things for Christmas — stockings, mistletoe, and their cellphones.”
Just as some people have questioned why Santa has to be male, others are now suggesting that perhaps the Three Wise Men weren’t actually men at all. Okay, being open-minded during this festive season, let’s consider the possibility of the “Three Wise Women.”
If it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men, they would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts.
Question: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
Answer: They both involve sandy claws.
Under the heading: “It’s all Relative:” At most parties during the festive season, when the clock strikes 1 a.m., the host thinks: “Gee, I’d really like to throw them all out, but I guess that wouldn’t be polite.”
And, the guests think: “Gee, I’d really like to leave now, but I guess that wouldn’t be polite.”
The result is more chit-chat, more drinking and an even bigger hangover the following morning.
It was a harried shopper who said: “With Christmas gifts, there seem to be two different kinds. There are the ones you don’t get and the ones you don’t want. But in spite of that, all gifts are gladly given, happily received, and cheerfully refunded or recycled.”
The definition of Christmas Optimism: Going into a printer on December 15, ordering 200 fancy, expensive, personally imprinted Christmas cards, and saying, “I’ll wait.”
The magic and mystery of Christmas: Are you amused, as we are, by the mystery cards you receive every year? For example, you’ll probably get a card that’s unsigned. Nothing on there to indicate who sent it.
And, have you ever received an empty envelope? There’s a seasonal thrill.
How about receiving two cards from the same people? Those double-greetings are a nice touch, eh?
Another puzzler is the card that is signed: “Betty and John.” Now, you’ll search your mind, but will not be able to come up with anyone you know by those names. And this will nag at you all season until New Year’s Eve when Betty and John appear at your front door.
Last, but not least, have you ever received a photo Christmas card of a whole family, but you’ve never seen any of them before — not even their dog?
It was an old Christmas sage who said: “For all of us who have been saving our money for a rainy day, Christmas is the monsoon season!”