You know you’ve eaten too much when:
• NASA orbits a satellite around you.
• You can’t find any leftovers.
• The neighbours ask when the baby is due.
• You can no longer fasten your seatbelt.
• You look in the mirror and see Buddha.
• You stand on the bathroom scale but can’t see the numbers.
• Richard Simmons comes to your house to cry over you.
• You get on the bus and it’s full, but you’re the only one on board.
Why it’s great to be a baby:
• Don’t have to worry about bills.
• Can sleep all day and have your meals brought to you.
• You have the power to turn normal adults into cooing, babbling idiots.
• Loud belching is considered a good thing.
• Your stuffed animals are as big as you are.
• You can get attention by merely saying, “Gaga.”
The service is great — “Mom, milk, now!”
• No teeth to brush.
• You have the power to disrupt an entire church service with a single cry.
• You’re responsible for nothing.
• You actually like Elmo.
• You are “Speaker of the House” and the “Prince of Wails.”
You could lose an eye, if you:
• Apply eyeliner while driving.
• Play goalie for the dart team.
• Sneak up on grandma while she’s knitting.
• Pick a fight with Edward Scissorhands.
• Play with your Red Ryder BB gun. Thanks, mom!
• Hang out with Moe, Larry and Curly.
• Skate near pine trees.
• Look through the Hubble telescope at the sun.
Lame excuses why you can’t go to the party:
• “I have to watch American Idol.”
• “I’m in jail.”
• “I have to bathe the cat.”
• “I’m having a bad-hair day.”
• “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
• “I’m busy trying to find Waldo.”
Things you find under the sofa cushions while vacuuming:
• Lego pieces.
• The TV remote.
• A lost sock.
• A TV Guide from September 20, 1990.
• The missing Nixon Tapes.
• Loose change totalling $5.68.
• Anything that’s not behind the fridge.
• Publishers Clearing House entry form.
What to do with old CD rom discs:
• High-tech wind chimes.
• Mini Frisbees.
• Cool coasters.
• Serving dish for bagels.
• Skeet-shooting targets.
• “Fake” UFO.
• Excellent table leg leveller.
• Nice little plate for hors d’oeuvres.
You know you’re hallucinating when:
• The federal budget is balanced.
• Your home budget is balanced.
• The auto mechanic says, “It was just a loose wire.”
• You win the lottery.
• You actually use something you learned in university.
• Someone in the mall approaches you like an old friend, but you’re sure you’ve never seen them before.
• The term, “government intelligence,” is no longer an oxymoron.
• Your paycheque is enough to pay all the monthly bills.
• Your favourite TV sitcom actually has a new episode instead of another re-run.
• All useless government programs are eliminated.
You’re getting old when:
• You’re grateful that wrinkles don’t hurt.
• Instead of Max Factor, you use Sears Weather-Beater.
• You get out of the shower and you’re glad the mirror is fogged up.
• You’ve reached the age when you know all the answers, but no one asks you any questions.
• You get winded playing chess.
• Your circulation is so bad that when you cross your legs, your arm goes to sleep.
• People say to you, “You’re not getting older, you’re getting better,” and you believe them.
• Your little black book only contains names ending with MD.
• The doctor gets a hernia from lifting your face.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
• All the things you threw out last time you moved are now “collectors items” and are worth a fortune.
• Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.