Wonderful world of whimsy


As the doldrums of November gather momentum, here is a little whimsy designed to brighten your day and take your mind off burning issues, such as what the heck does doldrum mean?
Top-5 reasons that computers are male:
5. To get their attention, you have to turn them on.
4. They have a lot of data, but are still useless.
3. It’s always necessary to have a backup.
2. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
And the No. 1 reason that computers are male:
1. A better model is always just around the corner.
You’d think that a weather forecaster could pick the best time for their summer vacation, right? Well, here’s the case of a weatherman who tried to do just that.  He studied all the charts and satellite photos and plotted his time-off with infinite care. As luck or fate would have it, it rained for most of his two-week holiday.  When he returned to work complaining bitterly, one of his colleagues said, “Well, if it rained so much where did you get that great suntan?” 
“Suntan nothing,” exploded the forecaster. “That’s rust!”
• Definition of a drug:  A substance which, if injected into a rat, will produce a scientific report.
• A peace-loving nation is one that bans firecrackers, but stockpiles nuclear weapons.
•  It was a realist who said: “Someone should write a modern western novel that reflects the problems of today. For example, the hero would ride into town, stop in front of the saloon and then spend half an hour trying to find a place to park his horse.”
• The only friends you can really trust are the ones who never ask you to trust them. 
Office signs:
• “Lack of planning on your part does not justify an emergency on my part.”
• “I ran out of sick time, so I called in dead.”
Overheard at the water-cooler:  
Harry: “You know in university, we had a dean who was so dumb even the other deans noticed it.”
Charlie: “Well, it’s like they say, ‘Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.’”
• Living in the past is pretty silly, but it does have one big advantage, It’s cheaper.
• There is nothing that proves the human capacity for tolerance more than a golden wedding anniversary.
Pun City
• Roy Rogers has just bought a brand new pair of boots and is riding home to the ranch. Suddenly, a cougar leaps out of a tree, knocks Roy off his horse and starts gnawing at the new boots.  Roy kills the cougar, throws it over the back of his horse and rides home. When he gets to the ranch, he’s greeted by Dale Evans who studies the scene and then sings, “Pardon my Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?”
Yes, you’re right. You have to be pretty old to remember that this is funny because of the song Chattanooga Choo Choo.
• A frog enters a bank seeking a loan. The loan
officer, Patty Black, explains that the bank doesn’t usually give loans to frogs. Being courteous, however, she asks what collateral the frog has. The frog pulls a small figurine from his pocket. Ms. Black takes the object to the bank manager and explains the situation.  “I don't know what this is, sir, but it’s all he has for collateral.” 
The bank manager looks at it and smiles. “Why, it’s a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan.”
Again, there's an age-related musical learning curve with these two puns.  Can you say, “Septuagenarian?”   And, I wonder, are there any hip-hop puns?