Great laws of our time:
• The Law of Generalities: Most general statements are false, including this one.
• The Law of Economics: It’s always better to tighten your belt than to lose your pants.
• G. B. Shaw’s Law of Experience: We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
• The Law of Luck: Some people are so unlucky that they will often get into accidents that started out happening to someone else.
• The Law of First Impressions: Putting your best foot forward is a good idea and has the added advantage of keeping it out of your mouth.
• The Law of Remuneration: When you finally get a raise in pay, it will put you into a higher tax bracket, ironically resulting in less take-home pay.
• The Law of Taxation Equalization: If your spouse gets a tax refund, you will end up owing money!
• The “Summary” Law of Remuneration and Taxation Equalization: You just can’t win.
• The “I’ll Fix Them” Law: If you think you've found a way to win on your tax return, they will remove that loophole.
• The “It’s All Relative” Law: We sometimes experience moments completely free of worry. These moments are called “panic.”
The eight Laws of the Bus:
1. Buses always come in groups. There will be no buses for 10 minutes and then three will arrive together.
2. The day you finally have the exact fare ready it will go up.
3. You run for the bus and make it. You are exhausted. Then the bus will sit there for five minutes.
4. The more crowded the bus, the more bags you will be carrying.
5. At least five buses will go by in the opposite direction while you are waiting for your bus to arrive.
6. If you get on the bus and take an aisle seat, the person next to you in the window seat will be getting off at the next stop.
7. If you wait forever for the bus to come and then give up and start walking, that’s when the bus will come. At this point, you will be between stops and the bus will go by.
8. Bus windows can’t be opened. Conversely, bus windows that are open can’t be closed.
The laws just keep on coming:
• The Law of Intelligence: Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
• The Law of Shopping: If it was advertised in yesterday’s newspaper flyer and you go to buy it today, it will:
a. Not have arrived.
b. Be arriving tomorrow.
c. Be sold out already.
• The Foot-in-Mouth Law: The chances of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time are directly proportional to the importance of the people you are trying to impress; that is, the more important the people, the more likely you are to blow it.
• The First Law of Vegetable Gardening: There’s no such thing as growing a little zucchini.
• The Zucchini Law: Zucchini can and will be made into everything — bread, cake, pie, salad, soup, juice, cookies, tennis balls, fish bait, cigars, door stops, etc.
• The Mountain/Molehill Law: All those bridges you cross before you come to them are over rivers that aren't even there.
• Mark Twain’s Law: The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as the rightly-timed pause.
• The Pessimist’s Law: Life is easy if you learn to accept the impossible, do without the essential and bear the intolerable.
• The Optimist’s Law: If at first you don’t succeed; try, try again when no one is watching.
• The Middle-of-the-Road Law: Cheer up! Things can only get better, or worse, or stay the same.
• The Law of Youth: There’s nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won’t cure!
• The Law of Middle Age: Middle age is when a man has to prove he’s as good a lover as he never was.
• The Law of Old Age: At this point, you can probably fake it and remain computer ignorant for the rest of your life.
• The First Law of Grocery Checkouts: The other line moves faster.
• The Second Law of Grocery Checkouts: If you move to the other line, the first line will suddenly speed up.
• The Third Law of Grocery Checkouts: You will try to pack too much into at least one grocery bag and things will spill out the top or burst through the bottom.
• The Passage of Time Law: It’s very hard to believe that 20 years from now these will be looked back on as “the good old days.”
• The Mr. Fix-it Law: If you try to fix it yourself, it will end up costing far more than if you had a professional look at it.
• The Professional Repairman Law: No matter what it is, they will say: “Gee, I’ve never seen this model before.”