We often complain about the predictability of our daily existence. Why can’t we have some of the excitement that people in the news are experiencing. And look at all that sordid, titillating stuff people are talking about on TV talk and reality shows. Wouldn't some of that be interesting? Are we out of step? Is there something missing?
We're probably better off just as we are, but, just for fun, let's ponder a slightly different daily scenario.
You know it’s going to be a “different” kind of day when:
• It’s time to get up, but you sleep through everything, including the alarm, the “snooze reminders,” your wife calling you, the kids shouting and the dog barking. You finally wake up at 9:30 a.m.
• Laying there, you suddenly realize your waterbed has sprung a leak, but you don't have a waterbed.
• You sit up in bed, put your feet on the floor and that’s as far as you want to go.
• You switch on the TV and the cable is dead.
• You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
• You cut yourself shaving with an electric razor.
• The birds singing outside your window are buzzards.
• You put on a blue sock and a brown sock and don’t even notice.
• Your wife says, “Good morning, Bill,” but your name is Fred.
• At breakfast, you pour juice into your coffee cup.
• You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business.
• Your wife mutters something about, “Exploring alternative lifestyles.”
• When you go out to the car, it has a flat and there are pigeon droppings all over the door handle.
• You think you’re seeing a UFO when a huge orange object filled with tiny people appears in front of your car. Then you realize it’s a school bus.
• At every stop light, other drivers stare at you. When you look back at them, they frown and slowly shake their heads.
• You hit the car horn accidently and right in front of you is a motorcycle gang.
• Someone else’s car is in your parking space at work, the sign on the fence has another name on it, your key doesn’t open the back door of your office building, and the boss says he has news for you.
• You call the “crisis prevention” line and they say they’ll get back to you.
• It’s your birthday and the office staff surprises you with a cake. It immediately collapses under the weight of all the candles.
The morning mail reveals that:
• Your twin brother forgot your birthday.
• Your income tax cheque bounced.
• Publisher’s Clearing House has a $1million for you.
• A letter from a former business partner says you better pay up “or else.”
• The bank wants to talk to you about all those loans.
• There are more “better pay up” letters from your former wife, your bookie, your lawyer and someone named Bugsy.
The “different” day continues:
• At an important morning meeting, you start sneezing uncontrollably and eventually have to leave the room.
• You go to a fast-food restaurant for lunch and spill ketchup all over your pants. Your fries are cold and your soft drink is warm.
• You arrive late for an afternoon meeting and they want to see the important report that was assigned to you. You totally forgot about it, but fake an excuse about overwork. They look at you suspiciously. Another sneezing fit overtakes you.
• A woman with two small children appears at the reception desk and leaves a message for you. It’s something about paternity.
• You call home and a recording says the number is no longer in service.
• As you arrive home, there’s a crew from 60 Minutes in your driveway!
So does anything above appeal to you? I didn’t think so. Three cheers for “predictable lifestyle.”