From the realm of silly puns:
• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.
• We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro — what a rip off!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh, deer!
• An earthquake in Washington, D.C., obviously wouldn’t be the government’s fault.
• Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Straight from the source:
• “Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’”
— Lillian Carter, mother of Jimmy and Billy Carter
• “I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: ‘Not good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’”
— Eleanor Roosevelt
• “Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.”
— Mark Twain
• “The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible.”
— George Burns
• “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
— Victor Borge
• “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
— Mark Twain
• “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
• “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
— Groucho Marx
• “My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
— Jimmy Durante
• “I have never hated a man enough to give his
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
• “Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.”
— Alex Levine
• “My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.”
— Rodney Dangerfield
• “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
— Spike Milligan
• “Until I was 13, I thought my name was Shut Up.”
— Joe Namath
• “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
— Bob Hope
• “I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”
— W. C. Fields
• “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”
— Will Rogers
• “Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
— Winston Churchill
• “Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out or spread out.”
— Phyllis Diller
• “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.”
— Billy Crystal