Samples of the philosophy of life:
• If at first you don’t succeed, you’re about average.
• The same people who are embarrassed to ask questions are the same ones who are always surprised when they make dumb mistakes.
• If you acknowledge your faults, you deprive your friends of the pleasure of pointing them out.
• There are two sides to every question, as long as it doesn’t concern us personally.
• Without experience, how would we recognize our mistakes when we make them a second time?
Great laws of our time:
• The Reality Law — Yesterday is experience, tomorrow is hope and today is getting from one to the other as best we can.
• The Law of Problems — Some problems are so complex that you have to be highly intelligent and well-informed just to be undecided about them.
• Will Roger’s Law of Bosses — A boss never met a “yes-man” he didn’t like.
• The Law of Today’s Marketplace — The only people making money these days are the one’s selling computer paper.
• The “Truism” Laws:
— Nothing gives more satisfaction than telling a hypochondriac how well he’s looking.
— The length of a minute depends upon which side of the bathroom door you’re on.
— The simplest incentive program: one mistake and you’re fired!
— A wrong telephone number is never busy.
— You will never lock your keys in the car at home.
A tender moment:
• As the old man lay on his bed, slowly fading away, his wife of many years was sitting next to him. He opened his eyes and saw her. “Ah, there you are, Agnes,” he said. “At my side again.”
“Yes, dear,” his wife said.
“Looking back,” he reminisced, “I remember all the times you were at my side. You were there when our first house burned to the ground. When I had that accident that destroyed the car, you were there. And you were at my side when my business went bankrupt and I lost every cent."
“Yes, dear,” his wife said.
The old man sighed. “I tell you, Agnes, you’ve been a real jinx.”
How’s this for logic:
• A poodle and a cocker spaniel met in the park. The poodle said “My name’s Fifi, what’s yours?”
The spaniel replied, “I think my name is Down Boy.”
• Two motorists were driving in opposite directions through thick fog in a rural area. Each one put his head out the window to see the road better. The two cars passed close to each other and, bonk, a true head-on collision.
• Ask yourself this question: If you were someone else, could you stand yourself?
• I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.
• An efficiency expert is someone who charges you to tell him the time while he’s using your watch.
• A hypocrite — Someone who complains that there’s too much sex and violence on his PVR.
• Self-discipline — The ability to walk down a hospital corridor without looking in through the doors.
• Discretion — Putting two and two together and then keeping your mouth shut.
• A conversation — It should be like a good meal. You should leave it just before you’ve had enough.
• Slang — It has an advantage over formal English in that, when you use it, people immediately understand exactly what you mean.