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Santa Claus is really a woman
Dec 05, 2013

 

Santa a woman? It’s an interesting premise. Down through the years, it had never even crossed my mind. We get programmed by tradition — jolly, rotund, pipe, beard, etc., Santa was just always a guy, right?
Mind you, what follows represents a pretty convincing argument for the opposite view.  I found this somewhere and don’t know who wrote it, other than, it was a woman with some clever thoughts.
I Think Santa Claus is a Woman
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they’re all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on December 24, when they — with amazing calm — call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only a few items left on the shelves.  
You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th-hour decision-making burden.
On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if Santa were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a socket-set under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped onto the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.  Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this, the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the handyman-like Santa would stop to inspect and re-point bricks in the  flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:
• Men can’t pack a bag.
• Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.
• Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.
• Men don’t answer their mail.
• Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowl full of jelly.”
• Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
• Having to do the  “Ho Ho Ho”  thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
• Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definitely a guy. Cupid, flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone-screening test. But  not St. Nick. Not a chance.
As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole’s version of The Christmas Song, it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she’d quit dressing like an old, fat guy!