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Whimsy for the month of January
Jan 17, 2013

 

You can tell it’s January because:
• Most of us are way behind on our bills and way ahead on our calories.
• You're still writing 2012 on your cheques instead of 2013.
• Mandarin oranges are now half-price.
• Almost everything else is also half-price.
• In keeping with current ecological trends, we have another opportunity to recycle our New Year’s resolutions.
• You’re still finding Christmas tree needles in the carpet.
• The new gloves you bought in September have holes in them.
• Most of those expensive Christmas toys are broken or malfunctioning.
• You’ve forgotten what green grass looks like.
• People start getting “cabin fever” and saying things such as: “The four seasons here are — early winter, winter, late winter and next  winter!”
• The furnace doesn’t seem to ever turn off.
• Either you’re still looking for  the instructions for the DVD player you got for Christmas, or you’re still trying to decipher the instructions for the DVD player you got for Christmas.
• Kids can endure the biting cold January wind for three hours while playing street hockey, but only three minutes while shovelling the driveway.
• You are still finding Christmas decorations you missed while cleaning up after the holidays.
• It’s difficult to remember being bothered by mosquitoes six months ago.
• You also can’t remember how bad your golf game was six months ago, and you’re grateful.
• You live in mortal fear of the next Visa statement, the next gas bill, this year’s Autopac deadline, etc.
• Your wallet is empty.
• You find several things your relatives forgot when they left and you’ll have to mail them to Nanaimo, Mississauga and Halifax.
• The annual poinsettia plant is still alive. You don’t really want it anymore, but you can't bring yourself to throw it out.
• You find a Christmas gift hidden in the closet that you forgot to give to Uncle Harry. You will have to send it to Halifax.
• The family game you bought for Christmas and thought would be a great hit with everyone, wasn’t. You reluctantly put it in the garage sale box.
• Your car is just barely coming to life each morning and you know that a new battery is imminent.
• Your wallet is empty.
• The last of that wonderful Christmas baking is almost gone for another year.
• The dress shirt you got for Christmas had eight pins holding it together in the package.  You have just painfully discovered a ninth pin.
• Three Christmas decoration boxes are still sitting in the family room.  
• You’ve lost your tuque.
• You look at your hydro bill and can't believe that outdoor Christmas lights could consume that much electricity.
• You think you’re entitled to a thank-you card from Manitoba Hydro.
• Your neighbour is using your  snow shovel more than you are.
• You can’t find the bill for that sweater you were going to return.
• The “return” counter in the store has the world’s longest line-up. You are number 89. They are serving number 69.
• You think that they will refund the money even though you don’t have the bill. You are wrong.
• You don’t ever want to go near a store again.
• Your son’s hockey skate sharpening is costing you a fortune. He also needs a new helmet and he breaks a stick every two weeks.
• A Christmas card arrives from Argentina.
• The “wind-chill factor” is getting on your nerves. 
• Your heating blanket is always set on “high.”
• Even though you love it, you’re glad you don’t have to hear Silver Bells again until next year!
• You forgot to get some free calendars in December and now they are all gone.
• You start picking up travel brochures about Hawaii.
• Your wallet is still empty.
• Instead, you watch TV golf from Hawaii.
• You finally realize that the boss will not be giving you a Christmas bonus.
• Your relatives in Nanaimo, Mississauga and Halifax call to thank you for sending the things they forgot and indicate that they had such a great Christmas visit, they’d love to do it again next year!
• You start reading a book called Personal Bankruptcy. On page one, it reads, “Your wallet is empty!”