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Making the stock market a winner
Apr 27, 2012


The stock market report is boring. It needs to be jazzed up a little to make it more interesting for those of us who don’t follow the business world very closely, and who are on the verge of dozing off during the NASDAQ figures. Whatever they are.
An endless stream of this market gobbledegook crawls across the bottom of the TV screen on every news channel.  Entire networks are devoted to it.  But, it's dull, dreary, and dreadfully uninteresting, although it does depend on your point of view.
So just for a little variety, wouldn’t it be more entertaining to tune in and get something like this:
• Elevators were up and down today, and expected to rise and fall slowly for the rest of the week.
• Bananas slipped again today, peeling away anticipated profits.
• Airlines were up, and railroads were selling in a long and narrow range.
• Oil stocks were moving sluggishly.
• There was more picketing outside the fence-post factory today.
• Nickel was only up a penny.
• Telephone stocks showed a ringing increase. 
• Martinis were mixed at the close.
• Electronic companies zapped take-over rumours.
• Camera stocks focused on new openings in snappy trading.
• Greenhouse stocks flourished today.
• Stock prices in weather services showed a clear increase today, clouded only by various high and low trends and a period of unsettled activity. 
• Wallpaper stocks stuck to their previous levels.
• Helium stocks rose sharply and showed greater buoyancy.
• Paint company stocks peeled off some glossy profits.
• Snowshoe stocks plodded onward after a slow start this morning due to the bad weather.
• Profit margins for light bulbs looked brighter at the end of the day.
• Major glue manufacturers complained of sticky problems in that industry.
• Xerox duplicated yesterday’s gains.
• Window makers took pains to deny that they were open to takeovers.
• Various ski resort stocks headed downhill.
• Buyers took a very close look at microscope stocks today.
• Sweeteners showed artificial gains.
• Pepper prices are nothing to sneeze at and reports of price increases must be taken with a grain of salt.
• Grass futures pushed through with a new growth spurt.
• Watch manufacturers ticked off another banner day, easing the alarming news heard earlier about a possible government slap on the wrist.
• Yeast stocks were again very active in traditional trading.
• Cookie company prices crumbled late in the trading day with chocolate chips especially low, while blue chips gained slightly.
• Book stocks turned over a new leaf in heavy trading. Buyers are reading good things into this development.
• Razor manufacturers shaved off some late losses; just barely scraping off a profit.
• Brokers were stumped by a report that a local tree farm went out on a limb and tried a stock split.
• Incinerator stocks were hot again today.
• Wig stocks showed some synthetic improvement with hairline profit margins.
• Hammer companies nailed down another profit late in the day.        
• Golf club manufacturers were forced to slash prices, driving down productivity and forcing them to slice their workforce.
• Key makers turned in significant profits and locked onto new markets.
• The motorcycle industry revved up for the new season with accelerated production schedules.
• Tire companies rolled up a good increase.
• Photographic companies exposed their books to auditors today.
• Pinball machine stocks ricocheted back and forth, bouncing and flipping erratically in fast-paced action on the big board.
• Cake mix companies blended old with new for a new corporate recipe.
• Computer manufacturers rammed home new ideas, biting off a bit more profit and interfacing with other companies.
• Gasoline prices were in the tank again.
• Battery makers charged more for their product in spite of the weak strength in the market recently.
• Door manufacturers hung on to recent profits.