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Wonderful world of whimsy
Sep 16, 2011
Alice was to bake a cake for a church sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the centre had dropped flat.
“Oh dear,” she exclaimed, “there's no time to bake another cake.” So, she looked around the house for something to build up the centre of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom — a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church for the bake sale. 
Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and then to buy her cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself. The next day, she was invited to a friend’s home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.
After the game, a fancy lunch was served. To top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, and started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies enthused, “What a beautiful cake!”
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, “Thank you, I baked it myself.”
An old farmer’s advice:
• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
• A wasp is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. 
• Meanness doesn’t just happen overnight. 
• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
• It doesn’t take a very big person to carry a grudge. 
• You cannot “un-say” a cruel word. 
• Every path has a few puddles. 
• The best sermons are lived, not preached. 
• Most of the stuff people worry about isn’t going to happen anyway. 
• Don’t judge folks by their relatives. 
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 
• The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with is in the mirror every morning. 
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 
• Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in. 
• If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around. 
Clever
An elderly man  had owned a large Florida farm for several years. He had a pond in the back that was surrounded by picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped for swimming when it was built. 
One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. 
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!” 
The old man frowned and said, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond.”  
Holding the bucket up, he added,  “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old men can still think fast.